why hello there. sorry i haven't been updating.
im going to make this quick just to tell you guys my diet plan.
i fasted yesterday and binged today on about 1000 calories. so not to bad. its still only 2pm so i can burn most off.
yesterday i got a bunch of baby food yes you guessed it, im going on a baby food diet lol. starting tomorrow. and when i get sick of baby food i will eat a salad and some rice cakes. only water and diet soda aloud.
i plan on being really strict with this so i may not have to much time to blog.

Binged today.
I smoked weed, munched, and binged. I am leaving it at that.

Tomorrow I plan on getting 30 dollars and buying E so I will be fasting Saturday and hopefully Sunday.
I am going to try and COMPLETELY forget about today and get back on track. This had to be the last binge! I am going to play some wii tonight, hopefully I don't gain to much from today, I walked a lot today so i really have no idea what my weight will be tomorrow.
anyways peace and lllllove

Blah I just woke up. It's 11:30am and I'm not hungry yet. But I feel like binging and purging! But I am not going to. I am home alone which is when I use to binge and purge the most but I am fighting the urges to do so! hahaha
Today I plan on eating a salad for dinner and then probably coffee coffee coffee! I want to get the drink Mary-Kate Olsen gets from star bucks.
Or there is a recipe for a 50 calorie frappuccino I might try (and post here).
My body is so lazy today I don't feel like going outside for a run later, but I didn't yesterday because i had like 4 hours of sleep). If I don't go out for a run I am for sure playing my Wii and going on the treadmill.
Oh and I weighed myself...

I'm 110.2
so gross. so fat. what a huge number! but THAT NUMBER is what's keeping me motivated today. I must have been about 112-113 the other day. So I am making progress! That number will be down to 105lbs before I know it. I just cant have any slip ups. I can't binge this week! If I go this week without binging and purging I can get down to maybe 106ish.

I shall update later. Here's some thinspo for all you sexy ladayyysss (and gentlemen)

yesterday I lasted on a salad and a rice cake I believe it was. purging the rice cake.
Today! I didn't do quite as good but still stayed under 600 calories. Lots of purging today, I am just glad I didn't binge. I had:

1 meatless burger with two 50 calorie slices of bread for dinner (purged)
2 rice cakes, one was 60 calories one was 35 I believe, had them at separate times of the day (purged the 60 calorie one)
ALMOST ate a full 210 calorie chocolate chip muffin BUT I only ate the top.
Some Vegetable Thin crackers (purged)

and that is all! so now let me add up the calories...
1 meatless burger = 100 calories
2 slices of bread = 100 calories
rice cake = 50
rice cake = 35
top of muffin = assuming 105 calories
crackers = there are 80 calories in 15. just to be safe I will say 110 calories.
TOTAL = 500
probably a bit more. but I purged basically everything I ate today anyways so I'm guessing hmmm... 300 calories in total.

not TO bad. Definitely an improvement from a few days ago!
tomorrow is my weigh in. I'm nervous as fuck. I use to weigh my self like every time I SEEN a scale now I can't even bring myself to step on it. But tomorrow I have to. I need to see where I am at. I'm hoping no more then 110lbs.
I am probably going to fast tomorrow. So wish me luck!

peace and love

ahhh. A fresh new past.
I plan on living life from now on exactly as I did when I could restrict like a champ.
and so far so good.
I use to eat a salad a day. and today that's what I did! I ate a salad at 4pm with no dressing and then an hour later a rice cake which I purged. Tomorrow I plan on running outside which I actually never really did, but I plan on going to a track and ACTUALLY running hahah.
I got suspended from school for a week for putting gum and dog shit on someones lock HAHAHA. So I'm using this as an advantage to get back on track. since 2010 started its been constant binging and purging so I want to turn that around.
I have been reading other peoples blogs for the last few hours and I'm getting really motivated and inspired! The way they describe feeling "light" and "thin" made me realize THAT'S what I want! THAT'S the feeling I love! and I want to be able to feel that again. Last night I watched "For The Love of Nancy" and tonight I plan on watching more movies about Eating Disorders, as much of an "Eye Opener" those movies try to be, they are very quite triggering hahah. I remember I watched "For The Love of Nancy" a few months ago and managed to fast for a week afterwards.
I forgot to mention I'm also drinking better! I've only had 2 diet sodas all day (drinking my second right now) and I drank water and threw in a green tea also.
I went grocery shopping with my dad yesturday and bought some food for my mini fridge in my room, I picked up:

4 Pattys of meatless chicken burgers (100 calories each)
50 calorie each sliced bread
3 different flavored rice cakes
Some weight loss juice.

My new rule is if its not in MY fridge I don't eat it. The foods I just listed are what I have to live off for the next week (plus salad).

So today was great and I feel like tomorrow will be to! If I feel like its going to be a good day, ITS GOING TO BE A GOOD FUCKING DAY! haha I plan on staying out of the house for most of the day also.

I may not blog as much as I use to this week because I REALLY want to try and lose as much weight as possible this week.
Now. I am going to go through ALL my magazines (I have MILLIONS) and I am going to write down EVERY diet tip or trick that will help me. I plan on starting up a huge weight loss "book". Basically its just a binder full of useful things. I already have like 3 "Thinspiration Books" but I'm combining them to make a SUPER book haha.

So anyways. peace and love everyone
P.S) I am also planning on getting a new layout for this blog (as much as I love this one) because no one (including me) knows how to follow or comment hahah

Well I failed I binged today and yesterday so my 2 day fast was basically pointless, but I have decided to stop thinking about food so much! It seems like the more I focus on losing weight the less I lose and the more I binge!
So for now on its going to be just go with the flow, watch movies, go out, work out, go to the mall etc.
I smoked weed today which resulted in me binging! terrible binge.
MUNCHIES + BINGING = FUCKING DEATH.

I plan to smoke more then play my wii fit. Marijuana helps boost metabolism hahha, I also plan to start drinking 2 green teas a day!
Tomorrow I am going to fast. Then like I said it will be like how it was before I would just pick at food all day (kept me under 200 calories). I know I can do it, I blame winter. Its so cold out it forces me to stay in the house!

Now things that aren't food related. My best guy friend and I (the only one who who knows about my Eating Disorder) totally hate each other now, His girlfriend is jealous of me, as in she thinks that I want him! lmfao what a skid! So shes "forbidding" him from seeing me, and he actually listened. He says as long as he is with her me and him cant be friends. What a joke. I deleted him off my MSN, Facebook and my cellphone. Its supposed to be BROS before HOES. apparently not according to him.

FUNNY STORY though. Today me and my friend decided to cause some trouble as usual, we went to our old high school (we got kicked out and they sent us to a school where students who get kicked out go) and there was a girl who was making fun of my friend and all this immature stuff, so we decided to be even MORE immature and put chewed gum and DOG SHIT yes DOG SHIT allll over her lock lol.
unfortunately they caught us on camera and we are in shit lol.

Hello.
Some of you may have noticed I haven't been posting in a while hahaha I have been busy just living! chilling with my friends.
I managed to fast on Wednesday and I walked outside pretty much ALL day and then yesterday I managed to go most of the day without eating but around 8pm I had HALF a donut and one 35 calorie rice cake, which I purged.
TODAY though I slipped up, I binged. It wasn't to bad though some things were REALLY calorie filled. I started off with:

2 Cabbage leafs with salsa inside.
Vegetable Thin Crackers.
about 2 TBSP of cream cheese icing.
A few spoonfuls of peanut butter!
A BOWL (cereal bowl sized) of the cookie dough you make from scratch!
1 Rice cake (35 calories).
1 Banana.

And I THINK that's all. But I purged almost all of it if not all!
The only reason why I binged was my parents were fighting again. My mom locked herself in her room and my dad left, he still isnt back and im not sure where he is. Things like that usually trigger a binge and purge, my mom was in her room which is a few doors down from the bathroom I was purging in, Luckily I can purge quietly now..

Anyways its way easier to fast again though! Tomorrow I plan on fasting to kind of give my self a cleanse and then I'm going to eat one salad a day and maybe a rice cake also.
I'm not sure what my weight was last time I posted on here, I think it was around 113-114lbs I am now 110lbs.
Its not exactly a "safe" number for me, once I hit 109 I will be more happy.
I am also going to start writing out my "prize" or "reward" for each goal weight to keep me even more motivated.
Hope everyone else is doing just dandy! For those of you that have been following my blog and seeing how shitty I was doing in terms of restricting, and NOW reading this post and reading how I just did almost a 2 day fast, Hopefully that can show you guys that ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE haha
IF I CAN DO IT YOU DEFINITELY CAN!
Just don't give up, Keep trying and you WILL succeed.

I don't even want to talk about it or go into details.

I know you are thinking "what a fool maan!" because I cannot restrict as i once could lol.
I am getting worse and worse with my Binging and Purging. This never use to be THIS big of a problem for me!
Its 12:15pm and I have already binged, easily over 1000 calories, and I am in the process of purging!

BUT I'm really trying here folks! I will not give up!
Tonight I am dieing my hair, kind of like a "changing my hair changing who I am" Im leaving my purple hair behind lol and going black.
I'm also going to start rewarding myself for every 5lbs i drop.

Anyways I'm in the middle of something!
lol updates later

TAYLOR MOMSEN
She is unbelievably tiny and gorgeous! She is way taller then me though but still her legs are stick thin I'm obsessed lol.
Ive been doing alright lately..Binged today! blah.
Tomorrow I'm going to be out all day and FINALLY getting E (I haven't got any yet which is why I HAVEN'T BEEN LOSING) but tomorrow is for sure for sure!
I need to get down to 100lbs and I need to prove to everyone that I can! I'm going to do it tomorrow, tomorrow I will fast and I will get down to my goal weight.
I'm sick of saying "I'm going to try" and I'm sick of saying THAT everyday.
I've been feeling out of control for a while now, Losing my best guy friend, My parents fighting, Binging and Purging, Just so many thins, I need some sort of control back.
Tomorrow I really mean it this time, I will get back on track. I will Restrict and Fast, and I WILL look like Taylor Momsen.

Valentines Day is coming up, I hate the whole idea of the "Holiday", It just seems like a useless day that's usually makes most girls depressed, Now, I really want to lose at least 5lbs by Valentines day. Which would bring me down to 107lbs.
I can do this right.
My new rule is NO solids. I will allow myself almost all liquids, minus the real fatty things, but I mean I will allow my self LOW calorie drinks like, 10 Calorie Vitamin Water, or 0 Calorie Gatorade, Diet Sodas, Low Calorie Soy Milk or French Vanilla or Low Calorie Hot Chocolate.
lol you get the idea.
But I REALLY hope I get that E tomorrow so I can have one foodless day.
My stomach was suprisingly flat today! Which is odd. But I ruined that anyways why binging and being unable to purge.
I really hate that, You try and try and try and the ONE time you so desperatly want it ALL out it wont come up.
Im taking that as a sign. A sign to quit B/Ping.

I find it so weird how I can HATE something so so much, yet I cant depart from it...
Like I HATE food, I hate how it changed your body shape...makes you unhealthy, I hate how it tricks you, and I hate Binging and Purging. Yet I cant stop B/Ping or Eating.
No matter how hard I try, but maybe that's just it, I need to stop TRYING and start DOING!
Which is just what I'm going to do tomorrow.

Anyways enough rambling on. I swear to everyone, on my life, on my bestfriends life, on EVERYTHING I LOVE. That starting tomorrow it will be the start of something fucking new, I will be on my road to thinness and self control.
Here are some pictures of Taylor Momsen. BEAUTIFUL.



She looks SO tiny here, She's got that little slouch you get when you are so lean and thin.


WOULD YOU LOOK AT THOSE LEGS!
YOU CAN BARELY SEE THEM THEY ARE SO TINY

Not only does this girl have the greatest wardrobe and the clothes I WISH I had, She also had the perfect body that JUST SO HAPPENS to look great IN those clothes.
Bitch.

Right now I'm thinking whats the point in writing a blog... I mean I cant explain my feelings like everyone else can, probably has to do with the fact that I don't like showing emotions.
Until now I suppose...Every thing is crashing down on me really quickly. I'm losing everything, Friends, Control, Family.
I don't have any plans for my future and I'm in my last year of high school, well I Just found out I'm getting held back a year so I cant graduate with my friends. Every time I mention a career I want I basically get told "Good fucking luck"
Like I'm not smart enough, or good enough. Which is another reason i starve, So I have something I'm good at..

See. That's basically all the emotion I can show. Whats it mean?!
gah.. basically Everything is falling apart, and I think one of the main reasons why I cant show emotion towards it all or talk about it, is because there is so many things, little things and big things and I just don't know how to explain it all...

Ugh I truly don't understand.
I use to be able to fast for like a week every other week and stay under 150 calories a day when I wasn't fasting!
Now it's preeettty much impossible.
I mean. Today definitely was one of my much better days. I had
1 bell pepper and half a cucumber.
Then after I had a SMALL plate of spaghetti with a TINY piece of garlic bread.
Then I was about to binge! I had a half moon Joe Louis thing and one of those 90 calorie Cottage Cheese Things.
I purged. but barely anything.

Now a couple hours later and i just had another Green bell pepper and 2 crackers and a 100 calorie snack pack.

Disgusting. But I'm making progress, Less food and less binges.
I still feel yucky though, I've been eating all this food because I feel so depressed but I slap on this smile and crack jokes all day. Then I throw it all up as a way to get rid of these emotions that I try so hard to hide.
Once again - I am fasting tomorrow. I have E (God i feel like such a fall down every time I mention that shit!)

SO! Treadmill tonight while watching a movie or desperate housewives and then 2 day fast tomorrow.
I'm hoping a 2 day fast will help me stop binging and purging.
Well wish me luck.
Peace and Love guys

I mentioned yesterday how I binged like I have never seen move before, and then my parents made me eat a chicken burger. That was around 4. I THINK.
My friend came over around 6 and we did some E. My stomach got flatter instantly and I didn't eat all night and I moved around a lot. Today I just finished eating a plate with 1 chopped up green bell pepper, 4 cherry tomatoes, and half a cucumber. With fat free ceaser dressing (15 calories).
I usually don't use salad dressing but I figured if maybe I throw on some flavor it will prevent me from binging later and will keep me full longer.
I may have one of those little packages of cottage cheese later on. Then tomorrow I will probably fast for Saturday and Sunday.
and also go on the treadmill everyday this weekend.
Since its Friday I will probably put my laptop on my treadmill and walk while watching desperate housewives lol.

Over all I'm doing pretty well lately. Choosing the right foods to eat, and I haven't purged at all today! Which is a HUGE step for me lol.
oh and you know that old friend that's a bitch lol. Well we talked it through, for the first time in so long. We are working things out now.
I HAVE YET ANOTHER STORY TO TELL LATER!
About my douche bag best guy friend and his skank girlfriend.

lol sorry for my choice of words today. anyways. I'm going to watch the Tyra Show and look for some low calorie recipes. Hope everyone is doing well!

Okay as I previously posted I binged, On top of that my parents make me eat a chicken burger. THEY NEVER MAKE ME EAT!
urg. On top of that my old best friend. She was basically a sister texted me some cheesy lame text saying if I ever need anyone to text her I'm "Still in her heart". HAHA fuck her man. She abandoned me at my lowest point. Like I want HER back in my life. I told her this and she is all "Seeing you pass out did me good" and "Your stupid. literally. At least I have an education" Its such a complicated past between me and her which I will tell maybe tonight.
I tried many times to become friends with her again and she fucked me over EVERYTIME.
I just really want to get fucked up right now.
I cant even think about food, It grosses me out. To bad I already ate 234567876543 calories today.
I'm in such a weird mood. I'm pissed and Sad and Aggravated.
Just so many things.
I want to kill someone.

This girl doesn't even know me any more! She hasn't talked to me in so long!
She doesn't know I have depression, or an eating disorder, she knows nothing about me now. She doesn't know about my cutting. NOTHING.
How the fuck dare she text me and just get me all revved up like this. I just want to knee her in the fucking face.

Okay I'm going to try and calm down. I think I'm going to go for a walk. I need it. For exercise and to blow off some steam.

I want Thin. I NEED THIN! I want drugs and NEED them.
I'm going to starve like a bitch starting now. Get rid of this extra fat.
I feel so useless now, STUPID, a fall down, Everything my *OLD* friend said is true. Which is why I'm REALLY pissed at her, Knowing other people think about me the same way I think about myself, ESPECIALLY my old BEST BEST FRIEND. I don't deserve food!
I Need to disappear. The closest thing to do is get so thin I either die.. or can walk by people without getting noticed.

I took my Anti-Depressant.
Literally like 5 minutes after if when I got the text message. For Fuck Sakes.

I Binged again. and purged as much up as I could. My throat has been so sore lately and this kind of just killed it! My binge included:

* 1 small smoothie with 1 small banana and some strawberry soy milk. Assuming about... 180 calories. That's a pretty rough guess. A banana is like 90 calories and the soy milk is 150 per 1 cup (I didn't use a full cup)

* A full moon (Those half Joe Louis things, vanilla) 230 calories AH!

* 1 slice of weight watchers bread: 50 calories

* 2 chocolate chip cookies: 170 calories

* Cottage cheese (yes I gave in :( ): 90 calories

* 100 calorie Reeces pieces pack

* 1 small toaster pancake with syrup: Don't know the calories.. I'm just going to say 170...

* AND GET THIS! I made cookie dough. The powder ingredients with the eggs etc. I made a cup full and ate it all.

I believe that is all. I purged. Not all of it unfortunately. I went on the treadmill for only 5 minutes, burned 25 calories. I'm going to go on again tonight.
I need to at least get back into the exercising habits. I Hate bulimia. Most of the time I just think "God! I'm not bulimic, I am a fucking Compulsive over eater" Who cares if I purge. I am still eating enough for everyone in my house.
Its disgusting and frustrating. I wish I could leave my bulimia behind and get into my restricting again! I Would rather be Skinny and Depressed then Fat and Depressed. I Hate wearing jeans now, I hate looking at myself in the mirror, I hate leaving my house, I'm embarrassed to be seen by anyone, and I'm isolating myself from everyone AGAIN, but before I was actually losing weight while staying isolated. The reason for all this is FOOD! I've been eating way to much and its showing.
My bones are hidden behind this disgusting layer of fat...
I'm destroying my insides by binging and purging and for what? TO BE FAT?!
Why do that when I can starve and let my bones show, sure I'm still damaging my body but at least I will be getting something GOOD out of it.

It is 3:00pm exactly. I am going to exercise tonight and move around as much as possible until tonight so I can burn as many calories as possible.
Tomorrow is Friday, I am going to stay home from school because I am to ashamed to be seen...
I will sleep in, and I will either
1) Search for a recipe under 200 calories and eat it for dinner. So I don't jump right into fasting, because that doesn't work for me anymore. I will probably purge and then I will exercise.
2) Do E.

As healthier as number 1 sounds, number 2 sounds more appealing to me..
I'm a mess. Once I get down to 105lbs again I will kick the E. Right now I am just so desperate to lose. and get happy again.. and feel at least a TINY bit comfortable with myself, that I need a little help.
I mean even when I was almost 100lbs I thought "God i look huge" but NOW its like "Oh man. I cant wear these jeans...or these jeans..I guess I will wear these sweat pants you cant tell how big my legs have gotten in them. Now for the sweater, ugh all mine aren't baggy enough I will wear my 6'3 brothers sweater!"
Its like that constantly I NEVER feel comfortable in MY clothes, I am living in huge sweat pants and baggy sweaters.
I miss that little bit of self confidence. I will never let myself get this out of control again.

Well. I suppose that is all.
I'm going to go buy a book later to keep me occupied for now on. God, I never thought it would be this hard to get out of bulimia.
It started off as bulimia, but that was years ago. I slipped into restricting and fasting, I haven't made myself throw up for so long until December! Now I cant stop. Well, This cant carry on for forever right? I just really need to try my hardest.
But I have an addictive personality, I get addicted to things easily and purging for me feels so good...
SORRY I'M RAMBLING AGAIN!

I will update later, hopefully with GOOD news.

I decided to make a smoothie.
A fairly small cup. One small Banana and a little of that Strawberry Soymilk. Its pretty good! Should be easy to purge if i decide to.
Its nice and thick (Thats what SHE said. haahah sorry.)anyways. So its basically like i just ate a banana all day and some soy milk. Not to bad.
I guess this could be considered like a liquid fast..Im going on the treadmill tonight anyways. and probably going to play some Wii! i got a sweet zombie killing game lol.
Then im going to relax and watch Desperate Housewives lol.

Also people are saying theyd ont know how to follow my blog - Neither do i lol
They are also saying they cant comment - That is what the Tagboard is for :)

Peace and love everyone.
I feel pretty dirty for drinking this smoothie...but its better then binging! definitely a step up from my past couple days.
Wont beat myself up to much

I picked up some tihngs just now at the grocery store, I got:
Strawberry Soy Milk. SOOO damn good. I dont pour it into a cup and drink it though, I just take sips from the carton every now and again to satisfy my cravings. Its really sweet so stops me from wanting sugary snacks and also makes me not want to drink Diet Soda.

Cottage Cheese. I GOT SOME COTTAGE CHEESE lol. I love this stuff, its 90 calories for a little container (Its in like yogurt containers) and its fruit flavored. Of course i cant eat it today but MAYBE i will have one tomorrow.

Orange Tea. I have never had this stuff before but i heard it tastes like orange soda, just warm. Its zero calories, I will probably have some tonight!


Thats all i got lol.
Its 12pm and im still saying NO to food. i want this so badd man.

Hello.
I just got back from the doctors not to long ago, this time without my mom. I'm sure he suspects an Eating Disorder. He was saying things like this
"Your mom isn't here this time, she seemed to have answered everything for you last time, She is a bit controlling isn't she"
CONTROL. big word in the world of E.D
He also asked me if he could check my weight and height and i said NO. I was afraid he would think I'm fat.
He said "Do you not want me to weigh you because you think your underweight" and im like "No way man".
Which is true. I think I'm morbidly obese NOT underweight. I do not weigh myself in front of anyone, i do not tell people my weight. If i eventually dont have a choice and my Doc MUST weigh me, i want to at least be thin.
Besides that, He prescribed me some Anti-Depressants called "Celexa" or something like that. First thing i did was search to see if it could cause weight gain. Its possible...But its also possible to LOSE weight. I really dont want to take them...but whatever. I also got some Vitamin D.

Now. As far as food goes, i havent had any today... but its only 10:19am. i have a FULL day ahead of me. i had some flavored citrus water. Thats about all.
I will probably have some diet soda all day, and some water to of course. I may buy some Ice Breakers. zero calorie candys.
I need to get as much different tastes in my mouth as i can today. Going from a huge binge cycle to a water fast is hard and will most likely result in a binge.

NOW. That is about all for now. I hope i can go today foodless.
I didnt weigh myself today. Usually i weigh myself a million times a day, everytime i pass the scale, everytime i SEE a scale. But im to scared. The numbers will just scare me.
I will weigh myself tomorrow morning. When im more empty and "Pure".

Okay last post for tonight.
I forgot to mention how much i ATE TODAY! I mean...ive gained so much weight im sure you can guess how much i have been eating lately.
I think the only reason im not back up to 145 is because ive been purging 3-4 times a day. but sometimes it just wont come up anymore...
i binged 3 times today and could barely purge each time. I think its a sign lol. or im at least going to take it as one.

Im debating on what kind of fast i should do tomorrow.
Water
Juice
Diet Soda & Water.

Probably Diet soda and water. As bad as this sounds im going to pop some E tomorrow to stop be from eating and lose some extra water weight...
i hate it. but i have to.
Let me just show you an example of WHY i have to.

Today i ate:

2 Bowls of cereal, One bowl of All Bran and on of All Bran mixed with those little boxes of cereal.
3 Slices of delissio Pizza
4 cookies
6 Other cookies WITH MILK
This weird little delicious sweet.
1 Cookie (one of the ones that come in boxed and wrapped in plastic)
Salad
TURKEY IN A CAN!
This corn stuff..
Fajita Lunchable

and im sure there was more...its pretty bad when you cant remember what all you ate today because you ate so much!
its been constant binges like this and i cant handle the purging anymore. which only means one thing. stop eating. again.
its hard, but it works. and its worth every little painful step lol. i cant wait to see the numbers start dropping again! i miss the light feeling.
I havent had those "You are looking to thin" comments in a while. i miss them. i miss the attention i was getting.
Right now i feel gross, dirty, heavy, out of control. Its like my worst enemy (food) is winning in the battle me and IT have been going through. I CANT LET IT WIN.
Ive ate enough to last me for a while now.
Its like bears, they eat as much as they can before winter so they can sleep! lol.
Well i will think of it like that, i have ben eating non stop (yuck) for the past few days. now tomorrow i will sleep all winter ! (fast for a couple days while im on a E binge).
Tonight im going to watch everything i can about anorexia. it always triggers me.
Im excited for tomorrow. its like the ultimate challenge lol.

No more purging (i love it but hate it. will i miss it? a little bit yes)
No more binging
I will fast for atleast 2 days. no less.
After i fast i will eat ONE salad a day.
Then i will fast atleast twice a week.

These are my goals starting at midnight.
If i break them i will let someone comment on a punishment. ANYTHING. and i will do it lol.
I will reward myself everytime i get to a goal weight.

P.S) I plan on posting Recipes and Thinspo somewhere on this blog.

Oh my son of a bitch!
okay i have yet another story of my past lol. It MUST be said in order for you to understand how MOTIVATED i am right now!

Have you guys ever found your Dream Guy. Well i have. A long time ago i met this guy, it was one of those "Fairy-Tale Meet Ups" type thing. I wont get into details. But we became fast friends, we had all the same friends and he was even my brothers friend (Score. he slept over hahah) - It was a small town everyone knew everyone - Anyways, i liked him for 4 years (i still do. its just.. we dont talk now) A LOT of drama went down between me and himm, everyone knew i liked him, everyone thought we would be perfect for eachother, but i guess he was to ashamed to be seen with me (unless just as friends) but at one point he DID like me but never said anything.
anyways. he got hit by a truck LMAO. STILL ALIVE. But he was hospitalized, i remember i left school and wlaked to the hospital to see him. an hour and a half walk.
after the accident hew as never the same... he started doing MORE drugs and stopped talking to me... i moved without saying good bye, and he randomly started talking to me once again (not recently) we hung out, he took my V-Card and kicked me out of the house the next morning. He was my first and last love. ever since then i don't believe in love, i dont think it exists, and i think its just an exaggeration. I was about 107lbs last i seen him, and before that i was about 125lbs. I always got so motivated when i was about to see him for the first time in forever, and i always restricted and stuck to my diet like a champ.
NOW. This guy has nothing to do with my current motivation, why i told you this? Well. There is this guy that i met a while back that was a duplicate of BOY#1. Even my friends said he reminded them of him, they figured thats why i like him.. which is mostly true.
He was REALLY funny MY KIND OF FUNNY, super nice, he was older though lol (the last guy was the same age as me). He had his own house and he was actually a sponsored skateboarder (The other guy was really good at skateboarding also). so anyways, we and GUY#2 hung out all the time (We just met last summer) he is a huge player though. but that just made me like him even more...

He backed off me for a while because his one friend liked me a lot (but he was a weirdo..i mean WEIRD, i have never seen someone so inlove with an iphone in my life...)

BUT! he just started talking to me again recently! asking me to hang out (Guy#2) Now. i have gained a bit of weight, but i DO NOT want to see him untill i am atleast 105 again. and i REALLY want to see him, just to hang out you know.

So..this was quite the post lmao.
But just thought i would share.

A VERY SEXY GUY THAT YOU ARE GOING TO HANG OUT WITH THAT YOU HAVENT SEEN IN FOREVER = GREAT MOTIVATION.

and im usually pretty isolated, boys bore me, they are a waste of time for me. but this guys is different.
If i cant have GUY#1 i can settle for a duplicate.
oh god im pathetic.

FASTING TOMORROW

Alright.
Well I am going to start off my explaining once again what this blog is about. It is mainly about my Eating Disorder Anorexia/Bulimia. I will post what i eat, my plans, exercise routine etc.
My starting weight at the moment is... 112-113lbs. which is unbelievably ridiculous. That is the highest I have been in a while.

BUT WAIT. let me explain in the best and shortest way I possibly can, HOW my E.D developed. Now that I think about it I can see how I had all the small symptoms back in the day, I stopped drinking Soda, Was more aware about calories, Just those small things. I started to smoke weed and then that eventually escalated into harder drugs like Heroin (which i am off) and Ecstasy and Coke (which i am still currently doing unfortunately). We all know "Drug Addicts" usually lose tons of weight, well let me be living proof that that IS true, but i wouldn't recommend it to anyone because i believe its what officially triggered my E.D. I went from about 145-115 and I NEVER NOTICED! People were always saying "woah you lost a lot of weight!" and i would just shrug and say "Really? Thats weird i don't see it!" (Everyone in my neighborhood does drugs. which is how i got into it, easy access i suppose). Anyways, my dealer eventually stopped selling to me saying "You look different, you look sick. I don't want to be the one to kill you" but he would still sell me Marijuana.
I went into a little depression without my "Hard Drugs" so i just stayed home in my room ALL day EVERYDAY smoking weed, and eating, smoking weed, and eating. When suddenly i realized I GAINED WEIGHT. Then in clicked it "Holy shit...I was skinnier before, and i just ruined it and now im fat"
It also didnt help when my mother said "You are getting so fat again" That was the last straw. I started doing all these crazy Fad Diets, The first few pounds dropped off pretty quickly but i once again never noticed a difference. I loved the rush everytime i seen the numbers on the scale drop. Even though i never notice a difference in weight when i lose, ive learned that i still MUST be getting thinner, i always notice when i gain though...
Even at 112-113lbs i still feel like i look the same as i did at 145, then i look at pictures and say "see there IS a difference".
I got invited to go to Florida with a friend last year during March Break i thought "Oh my god. im huge i cant go to FLORIDA when im this fat!" i was about 125lbs at the time. I started doing MORE fad diets and then i started to purge.
Not a significant weight loss but a dropped a few lbs.
When i got home things got out of control. i was constantly thinking about food and calories, buying new weight scaled and food scaled, joining pro-ana sites, watching movies on anorexia, tips to lose weight, diet pills, laxatives, AHHH it took over! and it STILL has taken over.

On december 18th before christmas i was at my lowest weight of 101 lbs. I started to go through this huge Binge Purge Cycle and my weight went up to 118. the highest it has been in a couple months! i started to restrict again and got down to 108lbs. I am currently going through a B/P cycle again which has made my weight 112.
Tomorrow i am starting clean. No more binging and no more purging. I want to reach 90lbs atleast.
No its not about weight, its not about "looking good" its about all those things that are unexplainable, control, wanting to be a little girl again, fragile, taken care of, etc.
I had a Doctors appointment last week, my mom made me go. I Had to get blood work done and a urine test. luckily this was during my B/P cycle my results didnt come back as bad as they would if i had been restricting. The Doc called back today and said my Bones are really bad and i need vitamins do give me some Vitamin D.
Tomorrow i will be doing that.

So. That is about all for now.
Tomorrow i plan on fasting for the day. i will be sure to let everyone know how that goes.
Peace and Love.


P.S: AH! i forgot.
I am 5'5! Just thought i would share lol. I will also post a picture of me from a few weeks ago as i am to ashamed to post one on me NOW!

And here is a Before and After, The After is me at my lowest weight. Around the beginning of December.

Okay, First off I'm going to fill out some of those lame "Survey" Things. Just so you guys can get an idea of who I am for those of you who don't already know.

Name: Sosic
Birthday: 09/28/1992
Birthplace: Kingston Ontario
Current Location: My house. Kingston.
Eye Color: Dark brown.
Hair Color: Blackish Purple.
Height: 5'5
Right Handed or Left Handed: Right
Your Heritage: Portuguese. 100%
The Shoes You Wore Today: My Doc Marten boots!
Your Weakness: Sweets, Comedy shows and movies, Marianas Trench (Band) and Drugs.
Your Fears: Death, Food, Heights.
Your Perfect Pizza: Zero Calorie.
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: Move out! Reach 90lbs, Get a damn job.
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: "lol"
Thoughts First Waking Up: "ugh i wish i could stay dreaming!"
Your Best Physical Feature: Honestly. Most people have ONE physical feature they like, i have yet to find mine.
Your Bedtime: It all depends, The time switches constantly.
Your Most Missed Memory: Not caring about weight, basically my ENTIRE childhood.
Pepsi or Coke: Neither. i have never really liked soda.
McDonalds or Burger King: McDonalds.
Single or Group Dates: Group Dates. though i think dating all together is a waste of time.
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Nestea. yumm. Diet obviously
Chocolate or Vanilla: Its so strange. i use to be IN LOVE with chocolate ever since i was little, then suddenly that changed and now i love Vanilla.
Cappuccino or Coffee: Black Coffee.
Do you Smoke: I Do.
Do you Swear: Like a fuckin sailor.
Do you Sing: Not very good. but yes.
Do you Shower Daily: Usually.
Have you Been in Love: Once. But i don't like to think about it. and now. i think love is a myth. just a word.
Do you want to go to College: Yes
Do you want to get Married: No.
Do you belive in yourself: No.
Do you get Motion Sickness: At Times.
Do you think you are Attractive: Nahh.
Are you a Health Freak: HAHAH. are you joking?!
Do you get along with your Parents: I Try.
Do you like Thunderstorms: I Love them.
Do you play an Instrument: No. i attempted the guitar but i couldnt move my fingers fast enough. im interested in learning how to play the Drums and/or Piano!
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: Yes
In the past month have you Smoked: Yes
In the past month have you been on Drugs: Yes
In the past month have you gone on a Date: No
In the past month have you gone to a Mall: Yes
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: No
In the past month have you eaten Sushi: No
In the past month have you been on Stage: No
In the past month have you been Dumped: No
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: No
In the past month have you Stolen Anything: Yes
Ever been Drunk: Yes
Ever been called a Tease: I Dont think anyone around here actually SAYS tease. if they have they are deffinetely kidding around.
Ever been Beaten up: No
Ever Shoplifted: Yes. i could be considered a Klepto haha
How do you want to Die: Asleep and Thin.
What do you want to be when you Grow Up: Therapist, or counselor of some sort. Mental Health Nurse would be cool too. Basically anything that helps people with Mental Illnesses and Addictions.
What country would you most like to Visit: Its not a country but NYC or Montreal

In a Boy/Girl..

Favourite Eye Color: Green or Blue.
Favourite Hair Color: Dark Dark Brown or Black.
Short or Long Hair: Inbetween.
Height: Anything higher then 5'5
Weight: Not to skinny. but muscular disgusts me.
Best Clothing Style: 70's - 80's Punk. Hardcore stuff hahah
Number of Drugs I have taken: 6-7
Number of CDs I own: Only about 5 originals.
Number of Piercings: Just 2 holes in each ear. Hoping for a Tongue piercing and nose.
Number of Tattoos: One. Melting peace sign on my wrist colored Green,Yellow and Red.
Number of things in my Past I Regret:

I'm a 17 year old girl, and I struggle with anorexia and bulimia, I'm generally a happy person, but I put other people happiness before my own. I strive for perfection since I've never had a taste of it, I am scared of death yet I am slowly killing myself.

I love everything about old school punks, I love how they don't give a fuck and how no one controls them.

This blog is to help me and everyone else reading. I hope everyone enjoys :)

February 2010

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