First ACTUAL Post.
Alright.
Well I am going to start off my explaining once again what this blog is about. It is mainly about my Eating Disorder Anorexia/Bulimia. I will post what i eat, my plans, exercise routine etc.
My starting weight at the moment is... 112-113lbs. which is unbelievably ridiculous. That is the highest I have been in a while.
BUT WAIT. let me explain in the best and shortest way I possibly can, HOW my E.D developed. Now that I think about it I can see how I had all the small symptoms back in the day, I stopped drinking Soda, Was more aware about calories, Just those small things. I started to smoke weed and then that eventually escalated into harder drugs like Heroin (which i am off) and Ecstasy and Coke (which i am still currently doing unfortunately). We all know "Drug Addicts" usually lose tons of weight, well let me be living proof that that IS true, but i wouldn't recommend it to anyone because i believe its what officially triggered my E.D. I went from about 145-115 and I NEVER NOTICED! People were always saying "woah you lost a lot of weight!" and i would just shrug and say "Really? Thats weird i don't see it!" (Everyone in my neighborhood does drugs. which is how i got into it, easy access i suppose). Anyways, my dealer eventually stopped selling to me saying "You look different, you look sick. I don't want to be the one to kill you" but he would still sell me Marijuana.
I went into a little depression without my "Hard Drugs" so i just stayed home in my room ALL day EVERYDAY smoking weed, and eating, smoking weed, and eating. When suddenly i realized I GAINED WEIGHT. Then in clicked it "Holy shit...I was skinnier before, and i just ruined it and now im fat"
It also didnt help when my mother said "You are getting so fat again" That was the last straw. I started doing all these crazy Fad Diets, The first few pounds dropped off pretty quickly but i once again never noticed a difference. I loved the rush everytime i seen the numbers on the scale drop. Even though i never notice a difference in weight when i lose, ive learned that i still MUST be getting thinner, i always notice when i gain though...
Even at 112-113lbs i still feel like i look the same as i did at 145, then i look at pictures and say "see there IS a difference".
I got invited to go to Florida with a friend last year during March Break i thought "Oh my god. im huge i cant go to FLORIDA when im this fat!" i was about 125lbs at the time. I started doing MORE fad diets and then i started to purge.
Not a significant weight loss but a dropped a few lbs.
When i got home things got out of control. i was constantly thinking about food and calories, buying new weight scaled and food scaled, joining pro-ana sites, watching movies on anorexia, tips to lose weight, diet pills, laxatives, AHHH it took over! and it STILL has taken over.
On december 18th before christmas i was at my lowest weight of 101 lbs. I started to go through this huge Binge Purge Cycle and my weight went up to 118. the highest it has been in a couple months! i started to restrict again and got down to 108lbs. I am currently going through a B/P cycle again which has made my weight 112.
Tomorrow i am starting clean. No more binging and no more purging. I want to reach 90lbs atleast.
No its not about weight, its not about "looking good" its about all those things that are unexplainable, control, wanting to be a little girl again, fragile, taken care of, etc.
I had a Doctors appointment last week, my mom made me go. I Had to get blood work done and a urine test. luckily this was during my B/P cycle my results didnt come back as bad as they would if i had been restricting. The Doc called back today and said my Bones are really bad and i need vitamins do give me some Vitamin D.
Tomorrow i will be doing that.
So. That is about all for now.
Tomorrow i plan on fasting for the day. i will be sure to let everyone know how that goes.
Peace and Love.
P.S: AH! i forgot.
I am 5'5! Just thought i would share lol. I will also post a picture of me from a few weeks ago as i am to ashamed to post one on me NOW!
And here is a Before and After, The After is me at my lowest weight. Around the beginning of December.
