I Binged again. and purged as much up as I could. My throat has been so sore lately and this kind of just killed it! My binge included:
* 1 small smoothie with 1 small banana and some strawberry soy milk. Assuming about... 180 calories. That's a pretty rough guess. A banana is like 90 calories and the soy milk is 150 per 1 cup (I didn't use a full cup)
* A full moon (Those half Joe Louis things, vanilla) 230 calories AH!
* 1 slice of weight watchers bread: 50 calories
* 2 chocolate chip cookies: 170 calories
* Cottage cheese (yes I gave in :( ): 90 calories
* 100 calorie Reeces pieces pack
* 1 small toaster pancake with syrup: Don't know the calories.. I'm just going to say 170...
* AND GET THIS! I made cookie dough. The powder ingredients with the eggs etc. I made a cup full and ate it all.I believe that is all. I purged. Not all of it unfortunately. I went on the treadmill for only 5 minutes, burned 25 calories. I'm going to go on again tonight.
I need to at least get back into the exercising habits. I Hate bulimia. Most of the time I just think "God! I'm not bulimic, I am a fucking Compulsive over eater" Who cares if I purge. I am still eating enough for everyone in my house.
Its disgusting and frustrating. I wish I could leave my bulimia behind and get into my restricting again! I Would rather be Skinny and Depressed then Fat and Depressed. I Hate wearing jeans now, I hate looking at myself in the mirror, I hate leaving my house, I'm embarrassed to be seen by anyone, and I'm isolating myself from everyone AGAIN, but before I was actually losing weight while staying isolated. The reason for all this is FOOD! I've been eating way to much and its showing.
My bones are hidden behind this disgusting layer of fat...
I'm destroying my insides by binging and purging and for what? TO BE FAT?!
Why do that when I can starve and let my bones show, sure I'm still damaging my body but at least I will be getting something GOOD out of it.
It is 3:00pm exactly. I am going to exercise tonight and move around as much as possible until tonight so I can burn as many calories as possible.
Tomorrow is Friday, I am going to stay home from school because I am to ashamed to be seen...
I will sleep in, and I will either
1) Search for a recipe under 200 calories and eat it for dinner. So I don't jump right into fasting, because that doesn't work for me anymore. I will probably purge and then I will exercise.
2) Do E.As healthier as number 1 sounds, number 2 sounds more appealing to me..
I'm a mess. Once I get down to 105lbs again I will kick the E. Right now I am just so desperate to lose. and get happy again.. and feel at least a TINY bit comfortable with myself, that I need a little help.
I mean even when I was almost 100lbs I thought "God i look huge" but NOW its like "Oh man. I cant wear these jeans...or these jeans..I guess I will wear these sweat pants you cant tell how big my legs have gotten in them. Now for the sweater, ugh all mine aren't baggy enough I will wear my 6'3 brothers sweater!"
Its like that constantly I NEVER feel comfortable in MY clothes, I am living in huge sweat pants and baggy sweaters.
I miss that little bit of self confidence. I will never let myself get this out of control again.
Well. I suppose that is all.
I'm going to go buy a book later to keep me occupied for now on. God, I never thought it would be this hard to get out of bulimia.
It started off as bulimia, but that was years ago. I slipped into restricting and fasting, I haven't made myself throw up for so long until December! Now I cant stop. Well, This cant carry on for forever right? I just really need to try my hardest.
But I have an addictive personality, I get addicted to things easily and purging for me feels so good...
SORRY I'M RAMBLING AGAIN!
I will update later, hopefully with GOOD news.
